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Worst Brawl Stages... EVAR!

By Razzkat

This may just be me…

But does anyone use the stages on the lower half on the screen?! I have been playing with my friend some recently, and under ‘Random Stage Selection’ or whatever he had turned off half the stages Brawl has, and I totally agreed with all his choices except for maybe Green Hill Zone. I don’t know, but I think all stages should be playable, with maybe one crazy WTF one that is still fun, even though the stage is more likely to kill you than your opponents (I give this excuse for PictoChat). But that excuse does not extend for the rest of these.

Flat Zone 2

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I start with the least offensive, because this one is, at least, still playable. I think what makes me so mad about it, though, is that it’s the same as the Melee one, but they’re trying to pass it off as new. I know they rehashed Pokemon Stadium also, but at least they…tried? I dunno…

I think it’s because the old Game and Watch stage is so crappy, why would anyone want a second one? They could have taken the exact same old Melee stage and just added the ‘2’ to the end, and I would have cared just as much. Actually, they should have taken Corneria, painted the ship red or something, called it ‘Corneria 2’ and I would have played on that a lot more than many of the new stages.

Okay, now on to the ones that are actually painful to play on…

Norfair

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This may just be a personal thing, but I hate lava stages. Brinstar was barely bearable for me, with the tiny stages and the yellow lava...

So not only did they bring back Brinstar this time around, they added an even bigger lava stage. Someone hates me...

Not only are the platforms tiny (a pet peeve of mine) and hard to jump to when the lava rises from the bottom, I, at least, always get caught off-guard when the lava comes in from the side of the screen. And then that big huge wave of lava comes, and you have to somehow find a way into that tiny hatch thing!

It's like you're fighting the lava more than your opponents. And in my personal experience, both game-wise and in the real world, lava always wins.

Hanenbow

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WTF kind of crack were they smoking when they put this stage in? No characters come from it, nor should they. If they really wanted to do something awesome, they should have picked some other random small franchise, like Golden Sun or Stafy or something. Or even if they wanted to do a WTF stage from a learning game like Electroplankton, which would be kind of neat, it would be nice if they made it something you could play on WITHOUT DROWNING.

I think this stage is a result of Wii orby vibe aura they were trying to build in Brawl (see: PictoChat, Wii Weather Channel music), but I think it’s unfair if you’re sacrificing gameplay for that sort of thing. In fact, I think it’s downright stupid.

75m

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I guess it’s a nice callback, really a neat idea for something so old school, but could it be any more sh*tty looking? It looks like an unfinished stage in stage builder, and I don’t think any professional stage should look like that.

There is no place to fight, which some might call a challenge, but I call ‘annoying.’ I want a flat playing field to fight on, except, yes, for those occasional WTF stages (WarioWare, PictoChat, that…Metroid stage that flips upside down), but even those have a flat playing field most of the time. I guess that’s one big beef I have with Brawl: everything’s either way too complicated or Final Destination.

Except, I guess you could stand on the top platform, on which you get owned in the face by barrels.

Spear Pillar

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This stage seems innocent enough, until the Pokemon show up and crash your party!

I'm always terrified when I land on this stage, and if I get it in All-Star/Classic Mode, I try to finish up before the Pokemon arrive. And I always fail.

Palkia and Dialga are bad enough. It's just that there's such little reaction time the Pokemon give, and there's not much telling where their laser beams/random stage destroying is going to end up just a second before. The only good one is the slow-mo effect Dialga sometimes does, which is pure awesome.

And if you get Cresselia, you're just screwed.

Mario Bros.

Narf. I’m sure some people were like, “But this is a GREAT stage! It’s so old school!” Well, I don’t care, you old school yesman! It’s terrible.

The eggs and the crabs and the—uuuuuh. Those hurt! Bad! I think it would be fine if there was one in a great while, but it’s like an onslaught of pain, brought to you by tiny crabs and koopas.

It’s so great fighting R.O.B. in All-Star Mode, too. You just can’t kill anyone. It’s like creating one of those box stages with a tiny hole in the top and saying, “Knock your opponent out of that, sucker!”

And they should at least allow you to go through the pipes and come out random ones to ambush the other players. If it did that, I would put this stage number one on the list of “Most Awesome Things EVER!”

Surely there are better ways to make a tribute to Mario without a crappy stage. Or two.

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:/

But the number one worst stage—at least, in my opinion, is:

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New Pork City

Dear God, what were they thinking when they made this behemoth? You can’t even see. I have to stand up with one eye to the screen and see where my characters are. Worse than Hyrule by a mile, which is really saying something. I think it’s because NPC’s even more gargantuan, plus you can’t really tell where the platforms are amongst all the crap going on in the background. Did they think that was supposed to be funny or something?

And I was so looking forward to this stage, too. It really looked neat when they put it up on the website. Therefore, this is the worst stage because not only is it the worst to play on, but because it ripped my dreams to tiny pieces. Hmph.

So, that’s my rant. X3 Feel free to agree/disagree with me, even though you would be wrong (unless you're adding more to the list...). I actually have a couple of topics that I was going to put on my LiveJournal, but I’m sure they would be more widely read here plus comments!

Comment on this article!

Or try reading BEST BRAWL STAGES EVAR!

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