A Nintendo Fansite

(by hoogiman, contributions by tikitikirevenge)

 

“Last time, on ‘The Smashy Amazing Race’, 11 teams departed on a race around the Nintendo universe!
“Nana had an uh… ‘incident’ earlier on, that caused her to go slower on the first leg! Kirby and Jigglypuff used their cuteness to get help, while Bowser and Ganondorf used their aggressiveness and intimidation to force themselves in front!” said Master Hand. “An early alliance was made between Ness and Yoshi, and Mewtwo and Pichu while Zelda and Donkey Kong’s nervous breakdowns lost them a good position!

“Will the alliance between the nerds and the Pokemon work? Can Peach and Mario or Popo and Young Link dig themselves out from the bottom?

“10 teams remain… who will be eliminated… next?”

 

The Teams:

 

(descriptions kindly supplied by UberSuperMarioYoshiKirbySamusGamer1111ONe)

 

Zelda and Donkey Kong (Ha! Seriously, though, that’s never going to work out. Never, ever. Why they even bother…)
Fox and Roy (The fox and the, uh, redhead.)
Kirby and Jigglypuff (Ah, that one’s easier. Two pink puffball… things.)
Link and Marth (They’re the two dudes with swords.)
Ness and Yoshi (They're, like, the nerds in the race. Cute nerds. But nurds.)
Bowser and Ganondorf (They’re really mean. I hope they get eliminated.)
Mewtwo and Pichu (Pokemon 4EVER! *goes to write romance fic*)

Peach and Mario (It’s like Super Mario Bros., only it’s the Amazing Race!)
Samus and Falcon (I don’t know who they are, because the only game I’ve ever played is Mario Tennis, but ‘Falcon’ sounds cool!)
Popo and Young Link (Aren’t they just kids? Aw… maybe they’ll win.)  

 

“Kirby and Jigglypuff, who arrived at 10:27 AM, will depart at 10:27 PM,” said Master Hand.

 

Kirby and Jigglypuff
1st to Depart: 10:27 PM

Kirby opened the envelope.

“Be my Valentine,” he read.

He stared at it, puzzled.

“Jigs, this isn’t the clue envelope,” he said.

Jigglypuff simply stared at him with puppy eyes.

“Valentine’s was months ago,” he added.

Jigglypuff giggled slightly and fainted.

Kirby pulled out the real envelope and opened it.

He read: “You must now make your way to the Big Weird Totem Pole, on Sauria.”

 

“Teams must now drive to the airport, and take a flight to Sauria. Once there, they must find this historical totem pole, and search for their next clue,” said Master Hand.

 

Ness and Yoshi
2nd to Depart: 10:32 PM

“You must now make your way to the Big Weird Totem Pole, on Sauria,” read Ness.

“Yoshi Yoshi up, herr Yoshi Yoshi!” said Yoshi. “Once we get to the airport, how do we get to the totem pole?”

 

Master Hand

“You walk.”

 

Ness and Yoshi

“I’ve got a better idea,” said Ness. “A friend of mine once crashed a UFO into a graveyard. If we can find it, we’ll save the time it takes to reach the airport!”

“Yoshi hup herr hup yoshi?” “Isn’t that cheating?”

Ness used his wit to explain all of the errors in the previous ststament.

“Yoshi,” said Yoshi. “Oh.”

 

Samus and Falcon
3rd to Depart: 10:34 PM

“You must now make your way to the Big Weird Totem Pole, on Sauria,” read Samus.

“Heh, okay, Sauria,” said Falcon.

 

Samus and Falcon
Interview after the leg

“For this race, I want to improve my relationship with Samus,” said Falcon.

“I don’t want to be even associated with this freak!” shouted Samus. “Who put me with him anyway?”

“Uh… not me… tampering with the teams…” said Falcon, sweating.

Samus hit Falcon with an umbrella so hard that it amputated both of his legs and hands.

“Ow…”

 

Mewtwo and Pichu
4th to Depart: 10:40 PM

“You must now make your way to the Big Weird Totem Pole, on Sauria,” read Pichu.

 

Mewtwo and Pichu
Interview after the leg

I think that our alliance with Ness and Yoshi may bring something, and because we’re both relatively strong teams, I can see all of us going into the final four,” thought Mewtwo.

 

Mewtwo and Pichu

“Oh lookie,” said Pichu. “It’s Ness and Yoshi.”

Hey,” thought Mewtwo.

“Should we travel together from now on?” asked Ness.

Okay, let’s share a cab,” thought Mewtwo.

Both of the teams went into the taxi.

“Can we go to the airport?” asked Ness.

“Kay,” said the taxi driver.

Pichu took his J-Pod™ (LOL HOOGIMAN U R SO ORIGINAL) and started listening to it.

Pichu thought it was hot in the car, so he rolled down the window.

Pichu saw an ice cream truck going in the opposite direction.

Pichu jumped out of the window, and latched onto the ice cream truck.

Pichu opened the back doors, making lots of ice creams fly onto the road,

Pichu grabbed an ice cream and started eating it.

Pichu ended up in FourSide, and played some arcade games there.

Pichu got himself into some gambling debt, and got kidnapped by illegal water smugglers.

Pichu parodied some songfics in a fanfic and got sued.

Pichu got zapped into a strange vortex, and got zapped back into the taxi.

“Roflz at anticlimax,” said the rofl pony.

“The humour is really dry in this chapter,” said the wtf chicken.

“Dry as dried jellybeans!” replied the rofl pony.

“No.”

“:(”

 

Fox and Roy
Bowser and Ganondorf
Tied 5th to Depart: 10:45 PM

“You must now make your way to the Big Weird Totem Pole, on Sauria,” read Bowser.

 

Bowser
Interview after leg

“Well, me and Ganondorf and the ‘strange people’ team have decided to stick together for this chapter, just so we can work our way up the order,” said Bowser.

 

Bowser and Ganondorf
Fox and Roy

“Look, there’s a taxi, hurry!” screamed Fox.

Fox grabbed Bowser, Roy and Ganondorf violently, and charged at the taxi, causing an indentation as large as Hayley’s Comet. Fox then took off the case of the luggage compartment, crammed all of the luggage in, then taking his allies’ hands, jumped through the back windshield and landed on the seat with shattered glass pierced all over his body, drawing blood.

"Fox! What the hell?" said Roy.

"We… are not going to lose this race…" snarled Fox through gritted teeth.

"You're bleeding to death," said Roy.

"Ssh," said Fox.

The theme song for ‘Happy Days’ started playing on the radio.

Fox started singing along with it as loud as he could, 6 semitones out of key.

Everyone stared awkwardly.

“Mondays, Tuesdays, happy days!” sung Fox. “Wednesdays, Thursdays-”

“SHUT UP!” screamed Ganondorf.

“Did you tell me to shut up?” asked Fox, pulling out his lazer gun.

“Uh… it was Roy…” said Ganondorf, nervously.

Fox decapitated Roy.

“Uh… that wasn’t very smart, Fox,” said Bowser.

“I’m smart! Yesterday Dad, we had a spelling bee, and I got first place! Aren’t you so proud of me?” said Fox in a kiddy voice.

Fox stared into blank space for a few seconds.

“What? It’s all about you and your work! There’s never any time for me!” cried Fox.

Everybody stared.

“If I do this, will you spend more time with me?” asked Fox.

Fox stared into blank space for a few more seconds.

“Okay!” said Fox.

Everyone stared really, really, awkwardly.

 

Master Hand
Master Hand looked at the live recording of Fox, grinning.

“That’s it Fox,” said Master Hand, slyly. “Pose for the camera, pose for the camera…”

Master Hand took a sip of coffee.

“Ratings should be good this episode,” said Master Hand.

 

Kirby and Jigglypuff
Currently in 1st Place

“Hi,” said Kirby at the airport counter. “Can we have the earliest flights out to Sauria?”

“The earliest flight is an Air Four flight, which departs at 2:00 AM,” replied the person at the counter.

“When does it land?” asked Kirby.

“4:00 AM, local time.”

“Are there any flights that stopover at a city, but land earlier?” asked Kirby.

“Actually,” said the worker, typing into a computer. “There is a Corneria Air flight that departs at 12:15 AM, stops over at Fourside and then lands at 3:00 AM, local time.”

“Okay, that will be great!” said Kirby, taking the tickets.

Kirby and Jigglypuff
1st on Corneria Air Flight

 

Samus and Falcon
1st on Air Four Flight

“Okay, the 2:00 AM Air Four flight?” asked Samus, taking the tickets.

 “We’ve got three hours to kill,” said Samus.

“Hey, there are the puffballs!” said Falcon.

Samus and Falcon walked over to Kirby and Jigglypuff.

“Hi guys,” said Kirby. “What flight are you on?”

“The 2:00 Air Four flight,” said Falcon.

Kirby covered Jigglypuff’s mouth to hide the sly grin on her face.

“Uh… yeah… us too,” replied Kirby.

Jigglypuff’s lie meter exploded.

“Why did I even buy that for you anyway?” asked Kirby.

“A lie meter would only explode if it was a big lie,” said Samus.

“Co-incidence,” said Falcon.

The giant ‘Number of time without a lie in this airport’ counter reset to zero, along with a voice over the loudspeaker talking about the details.

“Certainly… on the same… flight…” said Kirby, sweating.

The giant counter reset.

“Really,” said Kirby.

All of the lie detectors in the world exploded.

“Really,” said Kirby.

Falcon got eaten by a grue.

“Heh,” said Samus. “So you’re on the same flight as us. See you on the plane.”

 

Ness and Yoshi
Mewtwo and Pichu
Tied in 3rd Place

“Okay, Yoshi, order tickets for all of us,” said Ness. “We’ll find out what flight the others got on.”

Yoshi walked up to the counter.

“Yoshi Yoshi up hurr oshi Yoshi Yosh Yoshi?” asked Yoshi. “Can I have 4 tickets on the earliest flight to Sauria?”

“Yes, you are on the Air Four Flight that departs at 2:00,” replied the attendant.

Ness and Yoshi
2nd on Air Four Flight

Mewtwo and Pichu
3rd on Air Four Flight

 

Ness and Yoshi
Mewtwo and Pichu
Tied in 3rd Place

“What flight are you on, Kirby?” asked Ness.

“Uh… the 2:00 Air Four flight,” said Kirby, nervously.

Yoshi’s lie detector exploded.

“Why do you have a lie detector?” asked Ness.

“Yoshio shi,” said Yoshi. “I don’t have one…”

The debris rolled in its grave.

 

Kirby and Jigglypuff
Interview after Leg

“After lying to Samus and Falcon, and the Ness-Yoshi, Mewtwo-Pichu alliance,” said Kirby. “I didn’t want us to be hated by more than three teams after the second leg for lying. So we decided if Bowser and Ganondorf or Fox and Roy came in soon, that we would tell them to try and get on the earlier flight, so we could also make some allies.”

 

Fox and Roy
Bowser and Ganondorf
Tied in 5th Place

“Jig Iggly,” said Jigglypuff, running up to the other teams. “Hi guys!”

“Run up to the bookings desk quickly, try and get on the 12:15 Corneria Air flight, so you can get in front of the other teams, they’re on a later flight,” said Kirby.

“Okay guys, let’s run,” said Ganondorf, shoving people out of the lines, tossing people out of the queue.

“Couldn’t we like… wait?” asked Bowser. “There are only a few people in the line.”

“We’re supervillains,” said Ganondorf.

“Oh yeah… Ganondorf?” asked Bowser.

“Yeah?” replied Ganondorf, using a death spell to kill a few people waiting in front of them.

“Have you ever had any regrets about being a super villain?” asked Bowser, donating some money into a charity box. “I mean… can’t we be nice once in a while?”

“Nah,” said Ganondorf, holding the ticket attendant at gunpoint, demanding first class tickets. “This job pays better than being one of those Peace rallying people or a good public figure.”

“Have you like… ever looked at a puppy dog… and see all of its’ cute features, and then regret your life of evil, and then start crying, and then start trying to hide it because others are staring at you, and then you have a nervous breakdown?” asked Bowser. “Do you… ever want to be nice?”

“Bowser, are you a sissy?” asked Ganondorf, bluntly.

“Uh… no… I love killing people…” said Bowser, sissy punching a girl, drawing blood.

“Oh,” said Ganondorf, turning his back.

Bowser wept.

Bowser and Ganondorf
2nd on Corneria Air Flight

Fox and Roy

Last on Corneria Air Flight

 

“Link and Marth, who arrived at 11:25 AM, will depart at 11:25 PM!” said Master Hand. “But first, we have our co-host, Gamer 69!”

“Hi there!” said Gamer69. Gamer69 was a guy with blonde hair and he looked like Link except that he was cooler than Link. He was eighteen and he always wore blue-rimmed sunglasses, being six feet tall.

“Let’s go to the beach!” said Master Hand.

And they did, and they enjoyed it, bringing the story as off-topic as possible.

“Oh, no!” said Gamer69. “Captain Falcon’s evil clone is trying to sabotage the race! And he’s brought Mr. Game and Watch with him!”

“YOU SHOULD HAVE INCLUDED ME IN YOUR SUCKY FIC, HOOGIMAN!” screamed Mr Game and Watch, pulling out a popcorn machine.

However, Falco turned into a popsicle, and Kirby spat him out at the popcorn machine. The machine exploded and a rain of popcorn appeared everywhere.

“Woo! Popcorn!” said Master Hand. “Wait… I have no mouth… :-(…”

“See how the focus of the race is taken away if you include your little co-hosts into the story?” asked Captain Falcon.

The magical Joeb appeared and turned him into a fluffy green bunny.

“Well,” said Gamer69, “you can become a co-host, too! All you have to do is-”

“This sucks,” said Master Hand. “You’re all fired.”

“What?” said Gamer69. “You can’t fire me!”

Master Hand set him on fire.

They all had a good laugh, including Gamer69.

“Back to the race!” announced Master Hand.

Disclaimer: The previous section was simply a light-hearted poke at various individuals (sorry, Joeb). If we’ve offended you, remember, it was only a joke, not a serious flame. Let’s all laugh at the joke! Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha. Okay. Now give me reviews.

 

Link and Marth
7th to Depart: 11:25 PM

“We’re at the start of the tail end pack,” said Link, facing the camera. “So we’ve really gotta push ourselves to the top part if we don’t want to get eliminated.”

Marth opened the clue.

“You must now make your way to the Big Weird Totem Pole, on Sauria,” read Marth.

 

Zelda and Donkey Kong
8th to Depart: 11:29 PM

Donkey Kong opened the clue.

“You must now make your way to the Big Weird Totem Pole, on Sauria,” read Zelda.

“Me and Zelda really have to focus,” said Donkey Kong. “There are only two teams behind us, and if they are the only teams that are worse than us, then we’re going to be eliminated by leg five.”

 

Samus and Falcon
Currently in 4th Place

“Is that the puffballs, the aggros and the weirdos boarding?” asked Falcon.

“Yeah… they must be on an earlier flight, but how can that be?” asked Samus.

“Check the flight schedule,” said Falcon.

“Gate 21,” said Samus, looking up at an overhead screen. “Sauria via Fourside!”

“How did we miss that?” asked Falcon.

“It’s all your fault!” said Samus.

“Hey, don’t look at me, you were the one who-”

Samus punched Falcon in the groin.

“Okay, maybe it was partly my fault, but still-”

Samus punched Falcon in the groin.

“Okay, it was mostly mine, but still a bit your fault and-”

Samus punched Falcon in the groin.

“Okay! My fault!” screamed Falcon.

“Now you’re starting to learn!” said Samus in an over happy voice. “Now why don’t you get down on your knees and apologize?”

“But…”

Samus hit Falcon in the face.

“Okay, I-”

People walked past, giving Samus and Falcon weird looks.

"WE'RE NOT MARRIED!" screamed Samus, firing missiles at several people, killing them.

 

Peach and Mario
9th to depart: 11:42 AM

“I went-a on this race to build my relationship with Peach-a, I just hope we stay in for a while, so we can bond-a together,” said Mario, looking at the camera.

“Sometimes when I’m mad, I blow up a paper bag, and then tie it together like a balloon!” said Peach. “But it’s not heavy enough to make me fly.”

Mario gave Peach a confused look.

“You must now make your way to the Big Weird Totem Pole, on Sauria,” read Mario.

 

Popo and Young Link
Last to depart: 11:47 AM

“We really have to hurry this leg,” said Popo, opening the clue. “You must now make your way to the Big Weird Totem Pole, on Sauria.”

“What we’ve decided to do,” said Young Link, looking at the camera. “Is form an alliance with the stupids, and then ditch them at the last minute.”

“Let’s try and share a taxi with them!” said Popo, running up to Peach and Mario’s taxi.

Popo and Young Link walked up to Mario and Peach.

“Hi, can we share a taxi with you guys?” asked Young Link.

“Okay,” said Mario. “Hop in.”

“Yes, we’re together with them,” said Young Link, under his breath.

 

Corneria Air Flight
12:15 AM

“On this flight, scheduled to land at 3:00 AM, local time is: Kirby and Jigglypuff, Bowser and Ganondorf and Fox and Roy,” said Master Hand.

 

Link and Marth
Currently in 7th Place

“Hi, can we have the earliest flight possible to Sauria?” asked Link.

“There is an Air Four flight that departs at 2:00 AM, and that is the earliest,” replied the person at the ticket counter.

“Okay,” said Link, taking the tickets.

Link and Marth
4th on Air Four Flight

 

Zelda and Donkey Kong
5th on Air Four Flight

“We asked around,” said Zelda, taking the tickets, looking at the camera, “…and we’re on the same flight as everybody else, though some teams have already left on an earlier flight.”

 

Popo and Young Link
Currently in 9th Place

“Okay, we’ve decided to ditch them now, and we’re going to book, two tickets for us to Sauria, and two tickets for the stupids to go to Mushroom Kingdom, which will send them about eight hours off course,” said Young Link.

“Hi, can we have two tickets to Sauria, and two tickets to Mushroom Kingdom?” asked Young Link.

“Of course,” said the person at the counter. He typed in the computer, and then processed four tickets.

Popo and Young Link
6th on Air Four Flight

“Here are your tickets,” said Young Link, handing them over to Mario.

 

Mario and Peach
Currently in Last Place

“So it looks-a like we are-a all on the same flight to Sauria,” said Mario.

“Oh look,” said Peach, pointing her finger. “It’s Daisy!”

Daisy walked up to them, sobbing.

“What’s wrong?” asked Peach sympathetically.

“Luigi and I were going on a romantic Dinosaur Tour in Sauria, but then he told me he was going on the race, and then I found out he died!” cried Daisy. “And I’ve just wasted 20,000 dollars for first class tickets! So I want to swap them for a flight to Mushroom Kingdom, for Luigi’s funeral!”

“Can we have the first class tickets?” asked Peach. “I’ve got enough money for you to buy tickets to Mushroom Kingdom! And you can have these flights to Sauria as a souvenir!”

Daisy glanced at the tickets, and then hugged Peach.

“Thank you so much, Peach, I could have never done this without you!” declared Daisy.

“Yay!” said Peach.

Peach walked up to Young Link.

“Hey Popo, guess what? We swapped in our fourth class tickets four first class tickets, and we’re still on the same flight as you!” announced Peach.

“What?!” screamed Young Link.

“I know, isn’t it great?” asked Peach.

(Insert Hyrulian expletives here.)

 

If you didn’t understand the last few paragraphs, Young Link tricked Peach and Mario into thinking that they were going to Sauria by buying tickets to Mushroom Kingdom. However, Daisy turned up, and swapped first class tickets to Sauria for Peach’s tickets to Mushroom Kingdom.

“Ahh, that all makes sense now!” said the rofl pony.

“Shut up,” said the wtf chicken.

“Wtf, more like, WFT!!!11 LAWLZ!!1” said the rofl pony.

“:(”

 

Air Four Flight
2:00 AM

“All teams are now on their way to Sauria. Kirby and Jigglypuff, Fox and Roy and Bowser and Ganondorf are on the 12:15 AM Corneria Air flight, which stops over at Fourside and lands at 3:00 AM, local time, and all other teams are on the Air Four flight, which lands at 4:00 AM local time,” said Master Hand.

 

Corneria Air Flight
Arrived at 2:55 AM

 

Fox and Roy
Currently in 1st Place

“Well, the flight has landed five minutes early,” said Roy. “We asked around, and apparently the best way to travel is to take a shuttle to the Big Weird Totem Pole. So we’re not going to let Bowser and Ganondorf hang us down, and take the shuttle before them.”

“Oh look, customs,” said Roy. “I think you’re going to have to throw away that exotic item you bought in Onett.”

“Aww,” frowned Fox, throwing away several Yoshi skulls.

 

Kirby and Jigglypuff
Currently in 2nd Place

“We’re just going to tailgate Fox and Roy, and hopefully they’ll end up first at the clue,” said Kirby, walking out of the plane.

“Jig Iggly, Ig Iggly Puff Puggly, Iggly ig puff!” said Jigglypuff.

“Thank you for that interlude,” said the rofl pony.

“Just glad to be alive,” said Jigglypuff.

“Wait… you can speak English?” asked Kirby.

 “THIS HAS BEEN DECLARED A WTF ZONE, ALL DISCUSSIONS WILL BE CEASED. FROM NOW ON, ANYONE CAUGHT TALKING WILL BE HIT BY A SHOVEL!” announced a man over the loudspeaker.

Everyone gasped.

Several people started talking.

Several people got hit by shovels.

The fire extinguisher fell off its stand.

Several people helped it back up. It was admitted to hospital with minor burns.

 

Bowser and Ganondorf
Currently in 3rd Place

Bowser said, “I think that we should-”

Bowser got hit by a shovel.

“Ow! Ow! That really hurts! I mean- like… ow!” said Bowser.

Bowser got hit by a shovel.

“Why am I repeatedly being hit by shovels?”

Bowser got hit by a shovel.

“I should stop talking,” said Bowser.

And Bowser did.

Bowser got hit by a javelin.

“Lol @ ‘Parody – The Story’ Reference,” said the rofl pony.

READ IT!1

 

Theau Thor would like to formally apologise for any randomness that has occurred during this story. Theau Thor would also like to apologise for any randomness that will occur in the future. Jelly Beans. Such as that.

That is all.

 

Fox and Roy
Currently in 1st Place

“Hey, there’s the totem pole!” said Fox, smiling as the bus came up to a halt.

Fox and Roy ran out.

Roy noticed a sign.

“WHAT?!” asked Roy. “The totem pole has an opening time of 4:00 AM? We’re going to have to wait here for another 20 minutes!”

“I know, I’ll talk to Zelda and Donkey Kong!” announced Fox in his kiddy voice.

Fox got out his pink pony mobile phone and dialled a number.

“Hello?” said Zelda.

“Hello!” screamed Fox, so loud that Donkey Kong could hear him. “Hi, it’s Fox!”

“Fox, you’re talking a bit loud!” said Zelda.

“I remember we went to school together!” shouted Fox in the loudest voice possible. “I had the biggest crush on you in grade four!”

“WHAT?!” screamed Donkey Kong.

“Uh… it was only grade four, DK,” said Zelda.

“I remember I kissed you after school,” shouted Fox, “And you said you loved me more than you would ever would love anyone else!”

“Nooo!” cried Donkey Kong. “How could you, Zelda?”
“I didn’t mean it that way, DK! Really!” sobbed Zelda.

“No!” cried Donkey Kong. “I’ve upset her!”

Both started sobbing.

“I’m so glad I can cheer people up!” said Fox, in a kiddy voice.

 

“Wait,” said Master Hand, “the Smash Brothers went to the same school?”

“Apparently,” said Gamer69. “There are all these stories where they’re in school and they have to cope with stupid stuff.”

“But… but they were born on OPPOSITE ENDS OF THE UNIVERSE!” shouted Master Hand. “How could Fox and Zelda have-”

“Hey, it’s not like this race makes that much sense,” said Gamer69. “How can they take a plane from Onett to-”

Master Hand crushed Gamer69 to death.

“Better,” he said.

 

3:58 AM
Air Four Flight Lands

 

Zelda and Donkey Kong
Currently in 4th Place

“We found out on the plane, that the shuttles arrive every ten minutes, and take 40 minutes to get to the Totem Pole!” said Zelda.

“There’s the shuttle!” said Donkey Kong, running out of the airport, doing a forward roll to hold the door open.

“Nice moves,” said Zelda.

“Was that- Was that a compliment?” asked Donkey Kong.

“Uh… uh…” said Zelda, starting to sweat, “Yes… I mean no! I mean yes! I mean, I don’t know!”

Zelda had a nervous breakdown.

“Oh, I’m so confused!” said Donkey Kong, about to break in tears. “I don’t know whether you love me or not, I’m so nervous around you, I can’t-”

“Wait, did you say you don’t know whether I love you or not?” asked Zelda, smiling.

“Uh… yes?”

“Does that- Does that mean that you love me?” asked Zelda.

“Yes, I mean no, I mean- I DON’T KNOW!” screamed Donkey Kong.

Donkey Kong broke into tears.

“That means you don’t love me!” sobbed Zelda.

“No!” cried Donkey Kong, “I didn’t mean it that way, I mean-”

Both started hyperventilating.

 

Samus and Falcon
Currently in 5th Place

“Hey babe-” said Falcon.

“Look, all I care about is this race, I don’t care about you, I want another million dollars, do you understand?” asked Samus, bluntly.

“So I guess sex is out of the que-”

Samus punched Falcon in the nose.

“Okay, maybe we can settle this on a da-”

Samus punched Falcon in the nose again.

“Tough cat-”

Samus punched Falcon in the nose again.

“Okay, okay, I’ll stop!” said Falcon.

Samus punched Falcon in the face for good measure.

 

Ness and Yoshi
Currently in 6th Place

“Come on, guys!” said Ness, hurrying up the Pokemon. “If you have to drag us behind, we’ll have to go without you!”

“Yoshi oshi, oshi Yoshi!” said Yoshi. “Before we go through customs, I need to throw away this fruit!

Yoshi walked up to a bin that was overflowing.

“Yoshi yo!” said Yoshi. “Wow, someone must have collected a lot of skulls!

Yoshi noticed how unhuman-like the skulls were, and how Yoshi-like the skulls were.

“Ararararara…”

 

Link and Marth
Currently in 8th Place

“Not good,” said Link. “There are two teams behind us.”

“Hey look, a cripple! Can I beat him up?” asked Marth.

(Insert witty speech from Link.)

“Hahahahaha!” chuckled Marth.

“See what happens when you use a chicken as a piñata?” asked Link, laughing.

 

Popo and Young Link
Currently in 9th Place

“Darn it,” said Popo. “We’ve got to lose the idiots behind us!”

“I bought this bottle of oil! I’ll spill it behind me, so that the idiots trip over!” said Young Link, cunningly.

“That’s actually pretty clever,” remarked Popo.

Young Link spilt the oil.

Dozens businessmen fell over face first, covering all of the oil.

Mario and Peach stepped on the businessmen.

“(insert Hyrulian swear words here)!” screamed Young Link.

 

Mario and Peach
Currently in Last Place

“Look Mario, I found a caterpillar!” said Peach, excitedly.

Mario stared wide-eyed with a shocked expression on his face.

“That is-a my brother Luigi’s decapitated head!” shouted Mario.

“Oh,” said Peach. “Well… at least Luigi isn’t my brother!”

The sitcom laugh track played.

Get it?

 

4:00 AM
Fox and Roy
Currently in 1st Place

Fox and Roy ran up to the cluebox, closely trailed by the other two teams.

Fox opened the clue.

“Who’s ready to have some easter fun?” read Fox.

 

“Road Block!” said Master Hand. “A Road Block is a task that only one person can perform!

“In this Road Block… this person must steal a dinosaur egg in a nearby enclosure! However, this task is harder than it seems, the eggs are in the centre of the enclosure, and there are a number of large dinosaurs guarding the eggs! When they have done this, they will be given their next clue.”

 

“I’ll do it, Roy!” said Fox, eagerly. “Easter! Easter! Easter!”

Fox started running up to the enclosure.

“Easter! Easter! Easter!”

Fox ran into the enclosure.

“Easter! Easter! Easter!”

Fox grabbed the egg.

“Easter! Easter! Easter!”

Fox got squashed by an angry dinosaur’s foot.

“Ow…”

 

Kirby and Jigglypuff
Currently in 2nd Place

“I’ll steal the eggs!” said Kirby.

Kirby ran into the enclosure, took out an egg, inhaled a few nearby angry dinosaurs, spat them out at fox, gave the egg to a nearby anthropomorphic pig, and received the next clue.

“Detour!” read Kirby, “Sticks or Stones?”

 

“Detour!” said Master Hand. “In a detour, teams have to choose between two tasks, each with its own pros and cons! In this detour, teams have to choose between, ‘Sticks’ or ‘Stones’!

“In Sticks, teams must try and hit ten time world fencing champion, Krystal with a large stick! This seems straightforward because each team member gets a stick each, but Krystal has a stick in each hand to defend herself with! Teams only have two minutes to do this, and if the time goes up, any team waiting in line before them goes, and the team that last attempted will have to go to the back!

In Stones, teams must lift up one very large stone, carry it a few hundred metres, and drop it off a cliff to receive their next clue. This seems hard, but teams with enough muscle can pull through this task quicker!’

 

“Jig Iggly Ig Iggly,” said Jigglypuff. “I think we should do stones.”

“Okay,” said Kirby. “Follow that marker for the direction of the clue!”

 

Bowser and Ganondorf
Currently in 3rd Place

Bowser sissy punched a dinosaur, turned around to make a charging dinosaur get killed by his shell, ran out, and received the clue.

“Sticks or Stones?” asked Ganondorf after reading the clue.

“Stones, lifting stuff is easy,” said Bowser.

 

Kirby and Jigglypuff
Currently in 1st Place

“Oh no,” cried Kirby. “Us two cute little puffballs will get tortured by our evil uncles if we don’t throw this giant boulder off a cliff!”

The tumbleweed did not respond.

“There’s no one here to help us,” said Kirby.

“Jig?” asked Jigglypuff. “Why don’t you inhale the boulder, walk, and spit it off the cliff?”

“Good idea, Jigs,” said Kirby.

Kirby inhaled the boulder, and started waddling up the hill.

 

Bowser and Ganondorf
Currently in 2nd Place

Bowser used all of his strength, ran up the hill, overtook Kirby and tossed the boulder off the cliff. Bowser passed Ganondorf the clue, and Ganondorf ripped it open.

“You must now ride on a tandem bike 20km to the pit stop, at the ‘Dino Hotel’,” read Ganondorf.

 

“Teams must now walk to a nearby shed, select a tandem bike and ride along the historic ‘Triassic Trail’ for 20 kilometres to reach the pit stop for this leg of the race,” said Master Hand. “Teams must be warned, as the last team to arrive, may be eliminated.”

 

Bowser sprinted down to the bike shed, wheeled out a pink bike before receiving a confused look from Ganondorf, ran back in, and came out with a sleek black bike.

 

Kirby and Jigglypuff
Currently in 2nd Place

“Oh no, look!” said Kirby, after reading the clue. “Bowser and Ganondorf are already a few hundred metres in front of us!”

Kirby and Jigglypuff rushed down to the bike shed.

“Uh… think on your feet, Jigglypuff,” said Kirby, looking at an anthropomorphic rooster manning the bike shed.

“Jig Iggly ig, Ig puff jig!” said Jigglypuff, crying. “We can’t ride a bike very well; can you give us a push?”

“Okay!” sobbed the rooster. “Hop on, guys!”

The rooster sprinted a few hundred metres, pushing the bike along, and then let go.

 

Bowser and Ganondorf
Currently in 1st Place

“Haha! The puffballs are nowhere to be seen!” said Ganondorf, starting to relax the pedalling.

Kirby and Jigglypuff zoomed by.

Ganondorf started to pedal harder.

 

Samus and Falcon
Currently in 4th Place

“Come on, hurry,” said Samus, sprinting out of the shuttle.

Samus found the clue box, and ripped open the clue.

“Road Block!” read Samus.

Samus read the clue to Falcon.

“Can I do it?” asked Samus.

“Sure,” said Falcon.

As Fox was about to get up, Samus trampled over Fox’s body, shot a few missiles at the dinosaurs, stole the egg, and then got the next clue.

“Heh,” said Samus.

 

Zelda and Donkey Kong
Currently in 5th Place

“Who’s ready for some Easter fun?” read Zelda. “I’ll do it!”

Zelda ran in, and saw Fox’s trampled body.

“Are you okay?” asked Zelda, brushing the dirt off Fox.

“Thanks Zelee!” said Fox, in a sweet voice, kissing Zelda.

“WHAT?!” screamed Donkey Kong.

“No, no, it isn’t what you see, DK,” said Zelda.

“But- But- Fox- k- kissed you…” said Donkey Kong, shuddering. “I wanted you to love me.”

“Pardon?”

“I said, I wanted you to, L- L- L- L-”

“Yes?” said Zelda.

“Don’t worry,” said DK.

“WHAT?!” said Zelda, sobbing.

“Oh no! I made her cry!” shouted Donkey Kong.

Donkey Kong and Zelda started crying.

Fox smiled innocently.

 

Fox and Roy
Currently in 4th Place

“Fox! You’ve taken too long! Just get the egg!” shouted Roy.

“Okay,” said Fox.

Fox tossed Zelda out of the way, did a triple-swerve-180-spin-side-kick onto a dinosaur, retrieved the egg, and got the clue.

Roy read the clue.

“Let’s try and hit Krystal, my girlfriend!” announced Fox.

 

Samus and Falcon
Currently in 3rd Place

Samus and Krystal had a discussion about men, and how they were so pointless, talked about how they were constantly flirted at, shared violent stories, and told a few jokes.

“Hahaha,” laughed both Samus and Krystal.

“This doesn’t make me your friend, despite all of that friendly, conversation because I don’t like you at all,” said Samus.

“Same,” said Krystal.

“Maybe we should like… do the task?” asked Samus.

“Okay,” said Krystal, starting the timer.

“Falcon, use your stick!” said Samus, angrily.

Krystal glanced over at Falcon.

Falcon tentatively reached out with his stick.

Krystal whacked it out of his hand and then hit him in the knee.

“ARGH!” screamed Falcon. “My KNEE! Oh… the pain…”

“Suck,” said Krystal.

Samus prodded Krystal with her stick.

“Curses,” said Krystal, handing over the clue.

 

Fox and Roy
Currently in 4th Place

“Hi Krystal!” said Fox, in a kiddy voice, smiling.

Krystal repeatedly whacked Fox in the face.

Roy looked at the stick in his hand.

Krystal repeatedly whacked Fox in the face.

Roy looked at the stick in his hand.

Krystal repeatedly whacked Fox in the face.

Roy looked at the stick in his hand.

Roy prodded Krystal.

Krystal handed Roy the clue.

Krystal repeatedly whacked Fox in the face.

 

Zelda and DK
Currently in 5th Place
“Sticks or Stones?” asked Zelda.

“Stones,” said Donkey Kong. “I can lift the boulders!”

 

Link and Marth
Currently in 6th Place

Link and Marth ran out of the bus, Link opened the clue.

“Can I do it?” asked Link.

“Okay,” said Marth.

 

Mewtwo and Pichu
Currently in 7th Place

Mewtwo read the clue.

I think I have a plan that will get us in front,” thought Mewtwo.

“Pii Pii chu ii chu chu!” said Pichu. “Come on Ness and Yoshi!”

Mewtwo telekinetically pushed the dinosaurs and Link to the side of the cage. Pichu ran in, got out two dinosaur eggs and handed one to Ness.

“Why can’t you abuse your powers all the time?” asked Ness.

“Uh…”

Due to continuity errors, the focus of the show went to another team.

 

Ness and Yoshi
Currently in 6th Place

“Sticks or Stones?” asked Ness.

“Yoshi!” said Yoshi. “Stones!”

 

Mewtwo and Pichu
Currently in 7th Place

Sticks or Stones?” asked Mewtwo.

“Sticks!” said Pichu.

 

Link and Marth
Currently in 8th Place

Link struggled out from the side of the cage, crept around the fainted dinosaurs and grabbed the eggs. Link walked out of the cage, and gave the egg to the worker.

“Hey, Mr. Anthropomorphic Pig, what do you do with the eggs after all of the teams have gone?” asked Link.

“We give it back… certainly… no… black market… illegal… trading…”

The Pig disappeared in a puff of smoke.

Marth stared weirdly.

Link opened the clue, and read it out loud.

“Which one to you want to do?” asked Link.

“Let’s hit the chick, with the stick!” laughed Marth.

Marth collapsed on to the ground, and burst out laughing.

Link stared weirdly.

“Haha, get it, because it rhymes?” laughed Marth.

“Haha, funny,” said Link, sarcastically.

 

Peach and Mario
Currently in 9th Place

“Ooh, Mario, I’ll steal the egg!” said Peach.

“Okay,” replied Mario.

“Lalalalala!” sung Peach, skipping along.

Peach skipped into the cage.

Peach got crushed to the ground by a dinosaur’s foot.

“Gravel tastes yucky!” said Peach’s muffled voice.

 

Popo and Young Link
Currently in Last Place

“I’ll steal the egg,” said Young Link, pulling a shield out from his bag, “Because I have the shield of destiny!”

Young Link held the shield up, triumphantly.

Young Link ran in, stabbed a dinosaur and grabbed the egg.

“Yes! We beat them to the egg!” announced Young Link.

An egg rolled out of the nest, straight into Peach’s hand.

Peach got up.

“Yay!” said Peach.

Young Link muttered some Hyrulian swear words.

 

Bowser and Ganondorf
Currently in 1st Place

Ganondorf spotted the universe map, and Master Hand to his right, after him and Bowser got off their tandem bike. He noticed Kirby and Jigglypuff behind them.

“Run Bowser, Run!” said Ganondorf, starting to sprint.

 

Kirby and Jigglypuff
Currently in 2nd Place

“Jig Iggly Ig, Ig puff!” said Jigglypuff. “Oh no, Bowser and Ganondorf are in front of us, near the finish line!”

Kirby jumped off the tandem bike, inhaled a nearby car… and turned into… Wheel Kirby! Jigglypuff grabbed onto Kirby, and Kirby started charging towards Bowser and Ganondorf.

Bowser dived out of the way, and then stumbled onto the map. Ganondorf sprinted in, following.

“Bowser and Ganondorf, you are team number one!” said Master Hand.

“Yes!” said Ganondorf, waving his fist in the air.

“And as the first team to arrive, you win this holiday to sunny Mushroom Kingdom!” said Master Hand.

Jigglypuff dragged Kirby onto the map.

“Kirby and Jigglypuff, you are team number two!” said Master Hand.

 

Samus and Falcon
Currently in 3rd Place

“I know how we can get to the end faster,” said Samus.

Samus attached a missile on the back of the tandem bike, hopped on the front seat, threw a match and detonated the missile.

The bike started speeding.

Captain Falcon caught on fire.

“Babe, I caught on fire!” said Falcon.

“I’ll put it out!” said Samus, clubbing Falcon repeatedly.

“What did I do wrong? I didn’t do anything to upset you!”

“Okay, I won’t put out the fire,” said Samus, grabbing Falcon by the arm, and pulling him off the bike.

Samus ran into the hotel and stepped on the universe map.

“Samus and Falcon, you are team number three!” said Master Hand.

“Master Hand!” screamed Captain Falcon. “Do you have any water?”

“That will be five dollars,” said Master Hand.

“I’ll just get water from the taps!” shouted Captain Falcon, angrily.

Captain Falcon turned on the taps, and smothered the liquid all over himself.

The fire got worse.

“The hotel is so rich, alcohol comes out of the taps!” laughed Master Hand.

Samus and Master Hand had a good chuckle.

 

Fox and Roy
Currently in 4th Place

“Pedal harder, Fox!” said an annoyed Roy. “Zelda and DK are catching up to us!”

“Hey, Zelda was my girlfriend in grade four, who said she would love me more-” said Fox.

Donkey Kong pedalled up really hard, and punched Fox in the face.

The tandem bike fell over.

Fox got up, pushed the bike while sprinting really fast, caught up to Zelda and Donkey Kong and pulled Donkey Kong off the bike, pulling him to the ground.

Zelda jumped off the bike, and bit Fox.

Fox whimpered, and asked Roy for a band-aid.

Fox head butted Zelda.

Donkey Kong got out from the ground, and pulled Fox and Roy’s tandem bike in half.

Fox cried.

Zelda kicked Fox in the face.

Fox ripped the flesh off Zelda’s arm.

Donkey Kong jumped on Fox, squashing him.

Fox sulked.

Donkey Kong grabbed Zelda and ran onto the finish line.

“Zelda and Donkey Kong, you are team number four!” said Master Hand.

Fox and Roy ran in.

“Fox and Roy, you are team number five!” said Master Hand.

“Donkey Kong and Zelda don’t play fair!” cried Fox.

Fox’s eyes turned red.

“And I’m going to kill them!” yelled Fox, pulling out a gun.

Fox’s eyes turned back to normal.

“They cheated!” he sulked.

Fox’s eyes turned red.

“And I’m going to kill them in their sleep!” shouted Fox.

“Riight…” said Master Hand.

Master Hand called the asylum.

“Haha, get it? Because he’s so crazy he has to go to a mental asylum?” said the rofl pony.

“That joke was so 90’s,” said the wtf chicken.

“You’re so 90’s,” said the rofl pony.

“That was an awful comeback.”

“Your face was an awful comeback.”

“That’s got to have to win an award for worst comeback ever,” said the wtf chicken.

“w00t.”

“That’s bad.”

“:(”

 

Mewtwo and Pichu
Currently in 6th Place

“Yes, we finally did the task!” said Mewtwo.

Mewtwo led Pikachu down to the bike shed.

“Can I have the pretty pink bike?” asked Pichu.

“No!” snapped Mewtwo.

Pichu whimpered.

Mewtwo sighed, and got the bike out.

 

Ness and Yoshi
Currently in 7th Place

“Unggh!!” screamed Yoshi, just keeping the boulder up in the air.

Ness and Yoshi heaved the boulder over the cliff.

 

Mewtwo and Pichu

A boulder landed on Pichu.

“What the-!?” said Mewtwo. “But…”

Pichu started screaming.

“Shut up, inferior creature!” shouted Mewtwo.

Pichu started crying.

“But… I… NOOOOO!” cried Mewtwo. “We’re going to lose!”

 

Link and Marth
Currently in 8th Place

“All we have to do now is ride a bike to the finish!” said Link.

Link paused.

“What is a bike?” asked Link.

Marth shrugged.

“Must be some mythical medieval creature,” said Marth.

Link and Marth got onto the seat.

“Why isn’t it moving?” asked Link.

“There must be a word that triggers it to move!” said Marth.

“Forward!” shouted Link.

The bike was pushed forward very fast by the wind.

“That must be it,” said Link. “I’m so clever!”

 

Popo and Young Link
Currently in 9th Place

“Yes, we beat Mario and Peach to the bike shed!” said Young Link.

Mario and Peach walked in.

“Oh well, at least we get the better bike.”

The bike Young Link held broke.

“Oh well, at least they get the worse bike!”

Mario fixed the bike in a few seconds.

“Oh well, at least we’re going to leave before them!” said Young Link, getting Popo to hop onto the bike.

A strong gust of wind pulled them back into the shed.

Young Link cried.

 

Peach and Mario
Currently in Last Place

“Peach, are you going to-a get on the bike?” asked Mario, impatiently.

“After I win Minesweeper!” said Peach, on her laptop.

Peach clicked a square.

There was a mine on it. Peach lost.

Peach restarted the game.

Peach clicked a square.

There was a mine on it. Peach lost.

Peach restarted the game.

Peach clicked a square.

There was a mine on it. Peach lost.

Peach restarted the game.

Mario grabbed the laptop from Peach, and went into Mario Paint™.

Peach continued doing the clicking motion with her fingers, even though the laptop wasn’t there.

Mario made a sign that said, ‘You Win!’

Peach continued doing the clicking motion with her fingers, even though the laptop wasn’t there.

Mario handed the laptop back.

“Look Mario, I won!” said Peach. “All by myself!”

Peach did a twirl.

“I didn’t-a want to do this,” said Mario, angrily.

Mario gassed Peach to sleep.

Mario got Peach on the bike, and started pedalling.

 

Ness and Yoshi
Currently in 6th Place

“Well, Mewtwo and Pichu are nowhere to be seen, so I think we’re in sixth place!” said Ness.

“Yoshi Yoshi, hup Yoshi, hurr Yoshi!” said Yoshi. “The swordsmen are a few hundred metres behind us, so we’re pretty safe to the position!”

Ness and Yoshi cycled up towards the hotel. They both sprinted in, and walked up to the universe map.

“Ness and Yoshi, you are team number six!” said Master Hand.

“That’s pretty good,” said Ness.

 

Link and Marth
Currently in 7th Place

“Onward, fool!” shouted Link to the bike.

Popo and Young Link passed Link and Marth.

“Curses, how does my younger self know how to ride a bike, better then myself?” asked Link. “It’s like a paradox!”

“Isn’t the whole ‘younger self being present’ thing a paradox?” asked Marth.

“Uh… quiet fool!”

 

Popo and Young Link
Currently in 7th Place

Popo and Young Link ran up onto the universe map.

“Popo and Young Link,” said Master Hand. “You are team number seven!”

“That’s better than last week!” said Popo.

Du-uh,” said Master Hand. “I mean, come on, people. Anybody could have seen that by looking at last week’s results, anyone! Stop stating the obvious, okay?”

Popo stared, confused, then ran away very fast.

 

Link and Marth
Swordsmen

Link and Marth ran in.

“Link and Marth, you are team number eight!” said Master Hand.

“Not too happy with that result,” said Link.

 

Mewtwo and Pichu
Currently in 9th Place

“Come on, Pichu!” said Mewtwo. “Pedal harder! Mario and Peach are only a few metres behind us!”

 

Mario and Peach
Currently in Last Place

“Peach-a!” said Mario, angrily. “Get rid-a of the Minesweeper!”

“Okay,” said Peach, throwing the laptop away.

The laptop hit Pichu, hitting him off the bike.

 

Mewtwo and Pichu
Currently in 9th Place

“Hi Mewtwo!” said Master Hand, spotting Mewtwo, running in. “Where’s Pichu?”

“What do you-”

Mewtwo looked around.

“Curses!” screamed Mewtwo.

Mario and Peach ran in.

“Mario and Peach, you are team number nine!” said Master Hand.

“Yay!” said Peach.

“Uh…” said Master Hand. “Well… since you don’t have a partner, you’ve been eliminated from the race. Bye.”

Mewtwo cursed.

 

Mewtwo
“Did I learn anything? No. I thought that was a complete waste of time,” said Mewtwo. “And also, Pichu is the most annoying inferior creature in all existence, and I plan to kill him in as painful a way as possible.”

 

Pichu

Unfortunately, Pichu had been squashed too many times and was too flat-as-a-pancake to give comment.

 

WTF Chicken

“Flat-as-a-pancake is not a word,” said the WTF chicken.

“Yes,” said the rofl pony.

 

Finish Times:

Bowser and Ganondorf: 5:20 AM
Kirby and Jigglypuff: 5:21 AM
Samus and Falcon: 5:25 AM
Zelda and Donkey Kong: 5:50 AM
Fox and Roy: 5:52 AM
Ness and Yoshi: 6:34 AM
Popo and Young Link: 6:41 AM
Link and Marth: 6:43 AM
Mario and Peach: 6:50 AM
Mewtwo and Pichu: 6:52 AM- Eliminated

 

Please R&R, tell me who you want to win and tell me who you think will win!

 

Back to the main TSAR page.

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